At first I wasn't sure if I really wanted to write this post. I felt that well, maybe not that much time had passed by and I really didn't need to look that deeply into things, nor should I have to explain why I haven't been uploading every week like I used to. As it turns out, part of that is true and part of it is not.
For those of you that have befriended me through my channel or have already known me for many years, you'll know and will have noticed that I haven't uploaded my weekly scheduled Friday video for a number of months on my Youtube Channel. Yes, there have been a video here or there, the most current being a 3 part vlog segment of Cabin Con: 2014 that I'm very proud of (the last of which I still have not completed but plan to). Many of you have sent me messages, texts and even some phone calls wondering why. My response was always the same--I've been really busy.
This is the part where I explain that things are hectic, blah blah blah and again, some of that is true and some of part of it is not.
What is exactly has been going on? Why the hiatus?
If you're wondering why this is so important to me and why I'm choosing to share this with you, it's because creating content and editing are a considerable chunk of my life. On top of being a Youtuber, I am a full time Professional Video Editor and Photographer. I started out doing both as a hobby and through a number of situations and circumstances, all of the aforementioned being heavily handed in hard work with a sprinkling of creative nuances, it became my job. My career. My means of living. I had never experienced something like this before. Separating life and work was something I wasn't accustomed to doing--especially with something I LOVE doing.
I see video editing as perfect way to express creativity, emotion and to tell a story but after so many hours a week completing videos for clients that are not in your own personal realm of creativity, as a creator--it starts to take a tole. I knew that going into this that given my past of not being able to separate work and personal life (in this current case I'm speaking of YouTube), that it would be difficult to control work time and my own time to express myself (youtube, blogging, social media, etc)...and I was right to worry about that, because it inevitably happened. I couldn't separate being a Video Editor for my business (even though the content is different AND I have clients) from being a Youtuber, which is entirely self driven. By the end of my work week, even thought I loved what I was doing, I was mentally exhausted and couldn't upload for my channel.
I say couldn't because:
At the beginning of Summer I had posted a video about "Where I had Been". I had pin-pointed that I was struggling with the amount of time I devoted to work and the amount of time I was devoted to creating original content. In my video I had explained that I started the summer off with expectations and plans for a summer line up of videos that I was excited about. I didn't account for one thing: my anxiety creeping up on me and my inability to recognize that I was about to hit a road block.
For those of you who don't know, I have anxiety. Anxiety contributes to a lot of this. I could write for days and days of the feelings of having anxiety --how it makes you feel, how it closes you in, how it makes you feel helpless over the littlest of things. Trust me, it's not fun--so why am I mentioning it now?
I'll simply say that having anxiety caused a lot of second guesses, self doubt and that over powering feeling of being able to come up with ways to express myself started to slip away from me. It made it hard to keep things organized. I would spend entirely too much time working or entirely too much time trying to come up with ideas for my channel and coming up with nothing that my anxiety got the best of me. It wasn't this hard when I started my channel. It was something I was proud of, that I cherished and connected with so many new people on. So when I found myself thinking "Why is this starting to feel like a chore if its something you love to do?" I started to panic and towards the middle of summer, I began to realize that something was changing.
Being a creator can become stale, become stagnant, become old if it is not something you are passionate about. It is the theme, not the craft--the content, not the passion of story telling. If these become stale or are not what you pictured, it can be difficult to achieve the end result of what you're wanting to share as a creator. The passion and the craft are always there for me, but I found that my content was slipping away. I was slipping back into full on career mode, losing my creativity and expression and that's not healthy. I didn't start this channel to leave it sitting on the sidelines as a memory that once was. This was both terrifying and frustrating for many reasons--#1 being because this channel is a constant reminder of who I am--someone who likes to laugh, loves fiercely, has fun and is confident. That's who I am and I thought that if I didn't upload a video every week that I would lose sight of that...which is silly, because I'll always be me but it's the principal of the thing.
At this very moment, I have a back log of footage from numerous films that I may never put out. It's not because I don't want to continue with my channel--I DO and WILL! I just didn't like the footage, could see it in my face as I was filming it and it was starting to feel forced. I know I'm not the only YouTuber to feel this way. Understandably this happens with creators on a much higher subscriber rate than I, but given that I create videos outside of my channel in a different medium creates a different situation entirely.
This is not to say that I do not love creating videos for my channel as well as video editing for my job. They are two completely different avenues. This is my way of saying that at the end of the day, I couldn't in my heart put up a video that I didn't enjoy filming, didn't fully believe in the notion of the video or simply just felt rushed to put up a video because I had a 'deadline' to have it up by Friday.
Please don't get this mixed up. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to do what I enjoy and that I was and continue to make a career out of it. Hell, I was even fortunate enough to be interviewed via Skype by Marcus Butler and his manager Lucy to edit his daily vlogs because of what I do--that was probably the greatest day of my life. I wouldn't have been able to achieve that without doing what I do.
What I'm trying to get across here is that I'm in the middle of drawing a line. A line that distinctly separates work and creating content on my channel that I can be proud of. I don't want it to be just challenges all of the time. I won't be creating a deadline for myself. I enjoy creating montages and I really enjoy editing vlogs. Being able to capture a trip or a day or a weekend of someone and the people they care about is one of my favorite things to edit. I'm going to start uploading original videos again, but it will be when it's something I am happy to share and I won't be creating a deadline for myself. Will it be every Friday? Maybe, maybe not.
I honestly felt a little silly writing this and I almost didn't, but then I remember all of you that have been there and supported me in this. I started doing this as a way to find out what I love, what makes me...me and you're all so fantastic for joining in on the journey.
I hope this sheds some light on the area and cleared the air. Thank you for the continued support and I am excited to share some of the content I have planned soon.
Love,
Megan
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